embracing a new identity
"Had to face the fear to know I like it. Now I'm flying." India Shawn
IN embracing the cool, baby blue skies with open arms and strutting the high ways with calculated steps, I conclude my travel season on a refreshing note. See, I am fortunate enough to travel coast to coast for my career, and I have been doing so for the last five years. From August to October, specifically, I live, breathe, and eat over the road. From unpacking my bags in traditional or boutique hotels, driving away after hearing “my pleasure”, or looking up when asked “How would you like that cooked?”, for 3 months, I get to experience the luxuries of a travelers lifestyle at only 28 years old. Not only did I (and still do) live in a constant state of gratitude because of this experience, but I also realized that traveling for a living is similar to an academic field trip for school as much as it is a simple overnight stay in a random hotel in a big city or small town. Thus, after visiting over 10 states in a matter of 12 weeks, I return back to you, and me, with knowledge, love, and reflection.
DESPITE the routine I attempt to maintain while traveling from city to city, this year’s travel season was different. With genuine desire and intention, I uncovered and explored a different and intellectually creative version of me that I quietly tucked away many moons ago. After months of dormancy, similar to a flower during the height of spring, it was a stunning sight to see me bloom right in front of my own eyes in this particular travel season. This version of me effortlessly glides hand in hand with authenticity, ferociously tangos with curiosity, and seductively flirts with gentleness.
“My time finally belongs to me, and I have to spend it on me for me.”
MY every day life’s experiences, decisions, and goals had to significantly change over the last few months. After facing multiple rejections in the same season, I literally had no idea who I was or where I was supposed to be. “What’s next for me?” was the question I plagued myself with. However, despite ruminating often, and sometimes frantically ranting about my concerns, I actually felt remarkably free.
FOR the first time in a long time, I did not feel like something or someone else owned me or my time. I had no physical or mental ties with a particular person or academic obligation. I had no one else’s feelings to consider or lifestyle to help maintain, and I was no longer a caretaker or a support system. Initially, the experience was strange given that I spent majority of my 20s dedicating my time to graduating from college, operating as a partner to another human, or attempting to unlearn and learn certain behaviors of my own. I left little room for me to develop myself creatively consistently. However, after months of feeling caged in, identifying as a creative gave me purpose all over again.
NOW, before this realization, I created a few juvenile visual art pieces as a small hobby last year, but I had not yet fully invested in who I could become or what I could create. My youngest brother, however, is an artist; listening to him and seeing his work inspired me to invest more time, money, and intention in myself as an artist. He actually featured one of my very first intentional pieces in an event he curated and, to my surprise, someone actually liked it. I was not present at the event to explain the meaning of the piece, but that did not stop anyone from seeing my vision. That was the first time I had ever submitted my work to anything, and since then I have convinced myself to take myself more seriously.
AND though I love traveling, every moment I am not at work, I spend alone. When the hustle and bustle of my day finally slows down, my mind produces a myriad of “What if” questions and “I should have” thoughts. Thus, instead of frustratingly replaying a vision that will never exist in a way I wish to see it, I chose to visit art galleries, art museums, and events in different cities. I knew that this would help me intentionally fill my brain with information I valued more than the fake realities and scenarios that solely existed in my head. This very simple, yet intentional, decision changed my life.
BECAUSE I redirected my energy, I took advantage of opportunities to listen to and learn from artist who live the life I see myself living. They create full time and travel around the world to install art pieces. They are accepted into exhibitions, artist residencies, and art competitions; they receive features in art magazines and sit on panels where ideas, inspirations, and future plans are shared and developed. Some artist even have collectors who consistently purchase from them, commission them, and financially support their livelihoods.
INITIALLY, however, anti-capitalism was the primary reason I did not want to develop as an artist. It was hard to accept producing a piece and selling it for money because I could not imagine putting a price on my work or participating in capitalism, period. But after visiting art galleries, speaking with artist, gallery curators, and others associated with the art community, I realized that producing art that people choose to invest in is not capitalism because I do not create for financial gain.
I have met plenty of artist who do and do not sell, for whatever reason, but the most important aspect of it all is that they are seen. People see, connect, and acknowledge artist in galleries, museums, and at events. As someone who can spend a full day in a gallery taking notes and pondering, I learned two lessons: There are those who will stop in their tracks, take a deeper look to examine a piece, feel the reason why they relate with the piece and invest in the artist, tangibly and intangibly. And there will be many more people who will walk right past this same piece, not giving the artwork a second glance. Thus, I do not have to create, live, or breathe differently for particular beings to see, connect, or acknowledge me. What I create and who I am is enough, if not more than enough, to those who align with me. Those who do not see me that way exist fine without me as I do without them, but I can no longer allow myself to minimize who can see, connect, and acknowledge me.
I create as an outlet for my soul.
I create for a multitude of reasons. I create because I love to learn and grow; sometimes writing or talking about what I have learned, what I feel, or what I have come to understand is not colorful or expressive enough for me. I also need to physically create because I am a yearner who owns an immense amount of desire to love and be loved romantically. I create because sometimes I do not know how else to express this desire to be romantically devoured, catered to, and cared for physically. To sit and wait on romantic love to find me results in me yearning even more, and I cannot afford to wait on something that is not guaranteed to happen for me. Lastly, I create because, most times, it is the only thing I can control.
IN this season of my life, nothing, that is in my control, means more to me than utilizing my time to develop myself as an artist who lives and breathes the arts, especially visual artistry. In a time where materialism, consumerism, capitalism, and individualism is emphasized, I am choosing to be someone who contributes to society in a productive, creative, and innovative way by promoting community, originality, consciousness, and resourcefulness by way of visual artistry. Thus, I have learned that I exist to create and tell a story that my brain has seen and felt one hundred times over and finally found a way to express itself passionately and artistically. If someone feels something because of what I create then I have done exactly what I was placed on earth to do.